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Friend Waking

White Dogwood tree with a Pink Dogwood branch grafted in.

If the goal is friend making, be prepared for disappointment. Not all attempts at making friends will work out. We suggest a practice of friend waking instead. The potential for friendship already exists. We can choose to fan the flame or quench it. Fanning the flame might stir warmth. Quenching never will.

Difference

Before trying to awaken friendship, it's helpful to see and name difference. First, we acknowledge that difference exists; it always exists. Second, we make opportunity to surrender our fears of difference, and replace those fears with curiosity. What difference are we encountering?

  • Divine/Mortal
  • Gender
  • Culture
  • Race
  • Age
  • Education
  • Generation
  • Political priorities
  • Extrovert/Introvert
  • Social class/Status
  • Vocation
  • Interests and Hobbies
  • Black & White/Comfortable with gray
  • Well-discipled/Poorly-discipled/Undiscipled
  • Theology/Philosophy/Worldview
  • People-pleaser/world-pleaser/God-pleaser
  • Activist/Go-with-the-flow
  • Secure/Vulnerable
  • Physical ability
  • Mental capacity
  • Conscience

These are some of the easier-to-see differences. Others may require time and discernment to detect. Detect is the right word; when it comes to seeing difference, we often have to become amateur detectives. Not with suspicion, but expectancy. People who seem similar to us might have an entirely different experience with church, authority, and culture.

Waking

Remember, the hope is for friendship. What postures are helpful? What ones detract?

Friendship With God

Friendship with God is initiated by God. He crosses infinite difference for relationship with us.
- God is divine; we are mortal.
- God is sinless; we are not.
- God is perfect (complete); we are limited and broken in many ways.
- God is love and knows fully; we struggle with love and know in part.
Still, friendship requires investment from both sides. There are things we can do to foster the friendship:

  • Make time. Friendships require time, undistracted time.
  • Come humble. God is not a peer. The creature does not sit in judgement over the Creator.
  • Come patient. All knowing is coming to know. We will always know only in part. We will always be beginners.
  • Pledge. Even before being challenged, commit to obey God's ways and commands.
  • Communicate. Pray. Read Scripture to meet with God and to receive from him.
  • Write or record. Don't trust your memory or first interpretations. Process.
  • Follow through. Give, forgive, serve, love, gather, etc., as God has led.

Our attention, humility, trust, and obedience are our gift of self to God, our investment of love in the relationship in order to know.

Friendship With Others

When trying to awaken friendship with other people, be reminded that you already have friendship with God across infinite difference. As great as the difference(s) might be with a person, this is only finite difference. Approach with these postures:

  • Galatians 5 contrasts acts of the flesh with a life led by the Spirit: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. If these are fruit of the Holy Spirit, then the only true God is like this. He is the source of these attitudes, and we can be good stewards of them. Friend-waking starts here.
  • There are 59 'one anothers' in the Bible. All of these contribute to a good relationship.
  • See God's image in the other person. Honor their dignity.
  • Most people are afraid of difference. Be patient. Read body language. Take things slowly until trust and safety can be established.
  • Friendship doesn't require agreement. Agreement closes difference. That can happen, but it's not the goal. The goal is loving (gift of self) and coming to know a person across difference.
  • As with any relationship, time is essential. Even time that seems unproductive will be a deposit toward a better relationship.
  • A shared interest or project often provides a more natural context for awakening friendship.

Friendship With Self

Some people love themselves too much. Others have a poor self-image. As with other friendships, the goal is to love and come to know one's true self. Here are some suggestions:

  • Commit to discover the 'you' that God knows. As you do, work to become that person by God's grace.
  • Rehearse this: My identity is not created; it's received from God.
  • Learn to emphasize what God says about you and to attenuate the words of family, friends, marketers, and other influencers. One exception: weigh observations from trusted, God-honoring people who love you. They may see something you cannot.
  • Give time to this. Pray, process, and write about it.
  • As you change, be prepared for other people to respond in a variety of ways. Hold onto what God is doing in you, come what may.

Friendship With Everything Else

God's desire for shalom (right relatedness) extends beyond human relationships; it encompasses all of creation. We should love all of reality in order to know it. Here are some approaches:

  • Be a careful observer. Come to know a thing on its own terms.
  • Set aside the need for proof. Be satisfied with the weight of evidence.
  • Hold what you know with confidence, and be open to changing your mind with more knowledge.
  • Be courageous. Set aside agendas, people-pleasing, and personal comfort to know reality as it is. This is wisdom. Biblical wisdom.
  • Try treating objects as subjects. Anthropomorphize them as a part of your loving and knowing journey.
  • Learn the difference between the words 'use,' 'consume,' and 'exploit.' Learn from independent farmers, ecologists, artists, and craftsmen.
  • Visit and revisit God's cultural mandate in Genesis 1:26-28, Genesis 2:15, and Genesis 9:1. What is the connection between taking dominion and caring for? What is humans' responsibility before God?

Love in order to know God, others, self, and all of creation. God's friendship across (infinite) difference sources our friendship across every kind of difference.